aquoteinitalics

aquoteinitalics @ 2007-09-22T21:02:00

2007-09-22T13:05:09Z

i hate myself more today than i did last night.

sitting on fences used to be fun.

but i'm no pro at balancing, and pretty soon my butt starts to bitch.

i'd rather be married.

i want to settle myself the fuck down.

but tonight i'll setlle for settling myself precariously between your shoulders.

there's still a little bit of your face, i havent kissed

2007-09-22T12:48:48Z

it's days like this where the room is dead.
the tv's on, the music's playing.
and it's all the same.
except no one's reaching into my pants.
and im not either.

where are you?

how you sneak in and rob me of my sentences will always kinda leave me
a little more speechless
than i used to be.
and i am addicted to the way
thecure on repeat always leaves me
a little sedated, a lot diseased.
contradictions versus contraindications,
it's amazing, the amount of word vomit that twentysix letters create.
the alphabet is most surely fucked.

i crave the old familiar certainty.

you're such an inspiration for the ways i will never ever choose to be.

and when i say you, who the fuck am i talking to?
it's just like me to play the victim anyways
so erratic, i'm predictable.
it's days like this, i cant be sure
if i'm playing our song, or playing along.
sing a long goodnight, forfeit any fight, refused to rest assured.
you starve me for perfection, till i matter only to your perception -- -
here i go again, me and my fucking you-turns.

i'm going nowhere

and baby if you're goin that way too, let me
let me

let me hitch a ride with you.

aquoteinitalics @ 2007-09-22T20:27:00

2007-09-22T12:29:48Z

correction: i owe CGH 16098 in full.

dateline was yesterday, mom is playing the silent game.

and i am playing too.

i'm fucking playing along.

where the fuck is god. who the fuck does he think he is ?

aquoteinitalics @ 2007-09-13T05:33:00

2007-09-12T21:35:37Z

owe CGH 16100 dollars in full.
when i tell mom, she'll disown me.
i'd rather be disowned, discarded as being worthy of hope, than to be lectured.

i think i'm pregnant.

i've been eating like a horse.

i need castor oil badly.

i miss Clarissa.

i'm fucking tangled.

goodbye world.

aquoteinitalics @ 2007-09-06T05:45:00

2007-09-05T21:47:34Z

i'm gonna get my ass offline now and transfer myself to the television.

i miss you.

i need diverson.

pick me up from all over the place, i'm all over the place!

2007-09-05T20:48:21Z

+ tidied the couch
+ fed the babies
+ painted my nails
+ cleaned out the bedside table
+ put his laundry in the wash
+ emptied the ashtrays
+ deleted pictures on my cellphone
+ read expired texts
+ contemplated the penknives
+ listened to this song thirtyeight times on repeat
+ Clarissa Clarissa
+ friendster and photos
+ livejournal
+ washed a sink full of dishes
+ youtube
+ 3000 mg of paracetamol
+ nineteen sticks of cancer
+ an hour till the sunrise

and i'd rather have been in a cocoon with you, the air condition is cruel now that you're gone.
i dont count the calories, my mouth just glues shut.
i'll never let you know, but i'm a glorious mess.

remind me that the pain is there for a reason, and that i am more invincible than i feel now.

aquoteinitalics @ 2007-09-06T04:07:00

2007-09-05T20:17:20Z

Over-Anxious Hands on Hurt by Nine Inch Nails: decaying life gets my head stirring. I am a sick sick scrap of a human.
Clarissa; is sad: youre lovely.

muah to you, pretty lady.

rawr.

five hours in front of this screen, havent done this since brian.
my eyes are beginning to see a blurred version of these words. i've got built-in suicide-control. these songs on repeat make me wanna stab myself repeatedly with a blunt kitchen knife. it apparently is my inner emo kid's night out.

omar has mastered the skill of getting out of the cage. he's the sweetest warmest thing i've got for company tonight. a rabbit a laptop and a fuckload of cancer - i am a shame indeed.

even aliens would be baffled.

okay for more cancer.

adding to addictions subtract

2007-09-05T20:06:38Z

tell me i found this in your throat:
i cant quit you.

aquoteinitalics @ 2007-09-06T03:46:00

2007-09-05T19:49:02Z

for the sake of repetition, and feeling exactly like i used to:
I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away, but I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down, I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time, the feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down, I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself, I would find a way

give me the nerve to tell you, lend me the ability to stir you.
come back come back, come back to me.

how do you disarm me like you do?

be still, my Hurt

2007-09-05T19:22:13Z

you see if no one gets inside, i dont bleed internally.
oh Hurt, i heard you sneaking back in,
through the crack in my wall, the chink in my breastplate,
to settle down within my typing and some lyrics,
i watched as you arrived - so timely and so late.
so much, and so little still, what constitutes enough,
my darling, do you believe we've had enough?
do you believe that i have?
are you reading, are you recording this in motion ?
but i am still, i am still, i am still so present.
what is past, what is poison? what i drink,
is only fuel for this system,
so dysfunctional, and quickly flooding,
with things i remember, i refused to say to you.
they still swim in my pools of ponder,
and every thing that was trivial, are now so fucking distinct.
of chances and thrones and fast-dissolving bones,
i challenge them all to validate my own.
if i asked you just one question, baby would you answer it?
and if maybe i missed you, could you detect it?
oh despite.

i deleted all our pictures from my cellphone, it's funny how the silly ones still have to power to squeeze a smile out of me.
i hoped it'd be somewhat liberating, but somehow i am here still, lacerated from our razorblade words.
and there are so many songs that fail to justify their impact on me, without you cocooned in my comforter. ha, comforter. am i lying to myself, or beside myself tonight?

wont you deny me another excuse,
another cowardly neon exit, please?

(my darling, wont you fuck me in parentheses.)

"i really dont deserve this from you."

you dont.

exit,
su querido fo siempre.

flying machines

2007-08-29T13:28:13Z

mewithoutYou:
clarissa ; is sad says:
give me depressing songs so i i can torture myself.
clarissa ; is sad says:
i missed you
Remember Rio says:
russell and i are done as well so it's you and i both. sadfucks.
clarissa ; is sad says:
whaaattt
Remember Rio says:
i know i know
clarissa ; is sad says:
what happened
Remember Rio says:
the situation with his folks wanting him home and me not liking to be taken apart from him just didnt click so i bowed out.
clarissa ; is sad says:
shit, sorry, this computer is in spanish so pardon me for typos and such.
Remember Rio says:
why in spanish? heh.
clarissa ; is sad says:
its from my mom's office
Remember Rio says:
ah alright.
Remember Rio says:
in-ter-est-inggg
clarissa ; is sad says:
i think i did something wrong.. some keys aren't working. shit. oh well.
Remember Rio says:
hee
clarissa ; is sad says:
when did this happen_ *the russell thing(
Remember Rio says:
yesterday
Remember Rio says:
i'm not doing too good
clarissa ; is sad says:
i feel you
Remember Rio says:
but hey at least i found a way to make food repel me again.
clarissa ; is sad says:
hah yes!
Remember Rio says:
sighh
Remember Rio says:
somehow
Remember Rio says:
this is silly
Remember Rio says:
but
Remember Rio says:
i think i'd rather be a fatty and beside him.
clarissa ; is sad says:
by the way, im on invisible mode for a reason, baker's online... dont quite feel like chatting with him now... so hush hush.
Remember Rio says:
than skinny and alone and sleeping around.
clarissa ; is sad says:
aww.
clarissa ; is sad says:
that's not silly silly.
Remember Rio says:
heh it isnt?
clarissa ; is sad says:
it's pretty darn...sweet.
clarissa ; is sad says:
no
Remember Rio says:
bah what is sweet anymore. i cant imagine how i've been eating my bones away when it's suddenly quite clear to me how i've lost all sense of taste.
Remember Rio says:
every thing is tasteless. and honey, so am i.
Remember Rio says:
it's funny though, how we manage to take shit with a grain of salt. despite.
Remember Rio says:
OKAY SOMEBODY KILL THIS EMO KID THAT HAS HIJACKED MY BODY!!
clarissa ; is sad says:
oh and i must warn you beforehand babe, im online surfing stuff for school... im multitasking. so please dont get pisse dif it takes me a while to reply alright?
clarissa ; is sad says:
hahah *hug*
Remember Rio says:
no worries.
Remember Rio says:
being alone in a alcohol-less house does unhealthy things to one's psyche, i must say.
Remember Rio says:
i feel fucked you know.
clarissa ; is sad says:
what have you done. dont do anything DUMB. dont act like an emo kid. it´s ok to feel sad, to be sad. we´re just.. human.
Remember Rio says:
like seriously just. fucked. like this world cant place me anywhere and i dont want to be fit into anywhere i just wanna be fucked and do ballet at the motorway.
clarissa ; is sad says:
i want to finish all the beer in the fridge but........ i dont feel like consuming anything at the same time.
Remember Rio says:
'least you've got options, kid.
Remember Rio says:
RAWR!
clarissa ; is sad says:
heh, that´s sounds fun. (ballet)
clarissa ; is sad says:
rawr.
clarissa ; is sad says:
i wish i could be more reassuring... but im a mess myself.
Remember Rio says:
i know you are, regardless of how well you keep your composure in tact.
Remember Rio says:
'member the time i fucken cried like three times in front of motherfuckin cheers after brian left for the states and dumped me just before?
Remember Rio says:
i dont expect you to heal anything babe. but your company is nice. your company doesnt quie feel like the usual human contact. i need something like this right now i guess.
clarissa ; is sad says:
yeah. i wanted to hug you. but... i didnt want to induce more tears.
Remember Rio says:
yea dude i would've drowned the whole of cine if you had hugged me! HEH
clarissa ; is sad says:
i like your company too. if i had to hang out alone with anyone besides baker.. i´d pick you.
Remember Rio says:
AWW
Remember Rio says:
now that's sweet.
clarissa ; is sad says:
heheh. do tears make us less bloated? (just a thought.. the whole water retention thing)
clarissa ; is sad says:
i´m serious about liking your company k, im not just sayig it to make you feel good.
Remember Rio says:
yea me too. was talkin to russ last friday about how it's sad to everyone else, but i'm quite content that you're my only girlfriend who i'd actually choose to hang out with in singapore.
clarissa ; is sad says:
hahah i´ve said the same thing to baker!
Remember Rio says:
big groups of girls scare me anyways.
clarissa ; is sad says:
SAME.
Remember Rio says:
you never know who you're gonna offend!
clarissa ; is sad says:
yeah.. they´re complicated. heh
Remember Rio says:
'specially me...lil miss in-your-face big-mouth..
clarissa ; is sad says:
uh huh. q:
Remember Rio says:
bakie-bakerson is chatting me. that like...almost never happens.
clarissa ; is sad says:
wow. really? he initiated it?
Remember Rio says:
yeap
Remember Rio says:
he said SLAP
Remember Rio says:
so i said SLAP BACK
Remember Rio says:
and he says he's doing fine.
Remember Rio says:
and...
clarissa ; is sad says:
ooh. spy for me and manipulate his brain. cast a spell on him.
Remember Rio says:
he asked: how are you and russie?
Remember Rio says:
HAH RUSSIE.
clarissa ; is sad says:
his mom messaged me again last night, she said he ain´t fine.
Remember Rio says:
and i said i left him.
clarissa ; is sad says:
HE´s LYING
Remember Rio says:
BOO
clarissa ; is sad says:
):
clarissa ; is sad says:
russie.. hehe
clarissa ; is sad says:
did you even call him that
clarissa ; is sad says:
ever*
Remember Rio says:
yea well i didnt expect him to start pouring to me.
Remember Rio says:
nope not russie.
Remember Rio says:
just russ.
Remember Rio says:
or my darling.
Remember Rio says:
or my carrot.
clarissa ; is sad says:
k, good. russie sounds like something you call a dog.
clarissa ; is sad says:
CARROT?
clarissa ; is sad says:
hehe
Remember Rio says:
AHAHAHA
Remember Rio says:
well
Remember Rio says:
we're big forrest gump fans
Remember Rio says:
and
Remember Rio says:
you know how forrest always said "jenny and i were like peas and carrots again.."
clarissa ; is sad says:
ooh i love that movie. i made baker watch it with me.
clarissa ; is sad says:
ohh yea
clarissa ; is sad says:
awww
Remember Rio says:
yea
Remember Rio says:
so no points.he calls me peas.
clarissa ; is sad says:
one day when we´re rich and we can afford to travel, i´ll take you to Bubba Gump restaurant
Remember Rio says:
in savanna?
clarissa ; is sad says:
(we dont have to EAT)
Remember Rio says:
HAH
clarissa ; is sad says:
they have branches in the states
clarissa ; is sad says:
and
clarissa ; is sad says:
there´s one in the philippines
Remember Rio says:
oh awesome
Remember Rio says:
i went to the park they filmed at in Savanna
clarissa ; is sad says:
cool
Remember Rio says:
and i got to see the bench he was sittin on at the busstop..
clarissa ; is sad says:
ha! awesome!
clarissa ; is sad says:
tom hanks was so good in that movie.
Remember Rio says:
it was quite lovely actually cos i loved the movie since i was a kid..
clarissa ; is sad says:
me toooo
clarissa ; is sad says:
god knows how many times i´ve seen it
Remember Rio says:
!!!
Remember Rio says:
likewise man
clarissa ; is sad says:
life is like a box of chocolates... you never know wud you gunna get
clarissa ; is sad says:
hehe
Remember Rio says:
and robin wright was really good in that movie too you know.
Remember Rio says:
you something...
clarissa ; is sad says:
yeah she was, i liked her lifestyle in that movie.
Remember Rio says:
thinkin about it..
Remember Rio says:
*you know something..
Remember Rio says:
i kinda started being intrigued with the whole hippie, MAKE LOVE NOT WAR, do heroin and be cured thing because of Jenny =)
Remember Rio says:
my mom would shoot herself for bringing home the laser disc if she knew!
clarissa ; is sad says:
hahah i was intrigued with the hippie life cuz my dad was one.
clarissa ; is sad says:
hahaha
clarissa ; is sad says:
laser disc... old schooool!
Remember Rio says:
yea partly cos of my dad too.
Remember Rio says:
old school is the only campus i rock yo!!
clarissa ; is sad says:
(:
clarissa ; is sad says:
brb, i´m gonna try to paint a bottle real quick
Remember Rio says:
good luck.
clarissa ; is sad says:
if baker´s still chatting with you... eerrr... have fun. hahah.
clarissa ; is sad says:
thank you
clarissa ; is sad says:
i´ll try to be quick

at your command

2007-08-29T10:37:55Z

for the love of arlene smith, john frusciante, and perhaps you:
Maybe if I pray every night
You'll come back to me
And maybe if I cry every day
You'll come back to stay
Oh, Maybe

Maybe if I hold your hand
You will understand
And maybe if I kiss your lips
I'll be at your command
Oh, Maybe

I prayed and prayed to the Lord
To send you back, my Love
But instead you came to me
Only in my dream

Maybe if I pray every night
You'll come back to me
And maybe if I cry every day
You'll come back to stay
Oh, Maybe

day one. i stayed in bed till my legs became two separate people, moving me two separate ways. i filled the room with cancer, i tried to smoke myself out. videos of john on crack, i spend my time the best i know how. i'd sleep beside anyone tonight, you know.

aquoteinitalics @ 2007-08-22T23:51:00

2007-08-22T15:54:36Z

do you like me so much that maybe you love me and it's the one thing your honesty couldnt escape?

please say yes
so i can stop asking myself if you do
in my head.

i'm not saying i do.

i'm sayin just maybe, quite possibly, almost positively.

young folks

2007-08-04T04:40:05Z

my bass line is
anything but
basic.

i've started starving again.
i weave my time between coffee with you in the balcony, and smoking like a chimney.
my fingers are shaking as they unglamorously hover over the keys.
an organist, with no organs.
a locksmith, hitting all the wrong keys.
and yea this organ, works better as a crash cymbal.
i bet you told me so.

liking you so much, my darling, is like a wet dream.
of gorgeous sleep and stained sheets,
i lost the good part to the
shitty ending.
oh take me to the climax, another last time,
and in my head, in class, on trains,
let me
play it on repeat repeatrepeat.
my tongue isnt shy, i think you know that well,
my voice isnt either,
but my words manage to be.
letters to you on our dirtied sheets,
he was writing, a letter to elise.
he stole my words, my crown, my acoustics,
he fucken won me, my pick-up-sticks.
but we
are probably
more tangled than that.
tell me again about how we kissed,
was my tongue shy, or was yours?
tell me how you adore my knots,
tell me anything, just because.

you're in bed now, i hope you'll like me so much (more) when i'm

skinny.

two

2007-07-27T10:31:10Z

day two and i feel like shit.
i saved the text that sparked this wildfire, purely for masochistic purposes.
i must've played that very track from thecure a trillion times today.
alison has confiscated my penknife. not cool, love.
i'm all dressed but i'm not quite sure why.
oh right. looking good is the best revenge.
he never appreciated me looking nice anyhow i suppose.
i made a neat list of things i did that he never appreciated, let alone notice.
i forgot almost everything that was on it, but i'm sure it'll come up soon enough.
how fucking impossible is it for someone and anyone to notice me?

alright i admit. i'm a bloody mess.

alison and i sang tomorrow at the balcony last night.
it was our unintentional drunken duet song.
or maybe you dont remember/care.
anyhow, everything is stained with fractions of us.
and it hinders the process of losing and letting go i suppose.

killed myself by holding my breath

2007-07-26T11:35:58Z

hello there
this is me
small and needy

i tripped myself today
on your livewire

i hung myself to dry
on your noose, waxy and wooden
and then i accidentally
died on purpose

talk to me
in your own language please
in your own
in your own language please!

listening to sia hurts as much as it
threatens to heal
how do things manage
to almost destroy, but hold me hostage
to almost ease, but keep me uneasy

and when i scream at you, i wish my focus would heed
my scissorhands, my lead poisoning
my needles in ink in skin in shrinking plastic
prick. make me color blind so we can bleed
the exact same color, with a mood to match
i'll leave it locked, with a rusty latch
my love, i'll leave my Self attached.

aquoteinitalics @ 2007-07-15T18:57:00

2007-07-15T11:05:19Z

i am good for you. but not enough for you.
when i beg you to fuck me, i always hope you'll leave before i come.
lovefool. help me be something else, build me the muscle that refuses to fight.

this is for today. and it unnerves me to know, tomorrow i will relate the same:
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
(unfold me)
I am small, and needy
Warm me up

And breathe me

Ouch, I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere else to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
unfold me
I am small, and needy
Warm me up

And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me.

i wish the instrumental wouldnt distress me like it does.
i wish your words could.

yea breathe me.

no fun with no guilt feelings:

2007-07-15T10:28:41Z

You know how us Catholic girls can be
We make up for so much time a little too late
I never forgot it, confusing as it was
No fun with no guilt feelings
The sinners, the saviors, the loverless priests
Ill see you next Sunday

We all had our reasons to be there
We all had a thing or two to learn
We all needed something to cling to
So we did

I sang Alleluia in the choir
I confessed my darkest deeds, to an envious man
My brothers, they never went blind for what they did
But I may as well have
In the name of the Father, the Skeptic and the Son
I had one more stupid question

What I learned I rejected, but I believe again
I will suffer the consequence of this inquisition
If I jump in this fountain, will I be forgiven?

We all had delusions in our head
We all had our minds made up for us
We had to believe in something
So we did

i hope i wont find myself in church again for a long time.
i'll never understand why he does it. i guess family affairs are important.
appeasing the parentals has never quite appealed to me, i suppose.

a late happy birthday to my b-boy. you're nineteen! so you're a confirmed legal now. wink wink.

i really have missed alanis.

in spite of me

2007-07-15T10:18:18Z

every senseless reason i've given you to leave me with,
is one that you will eventually borrow from me.

you've already won me over, in spite of me
and dont be alarmed if i fall, head over feet
and dont be surprised if i love you, for all that you are
i couldnt help it, it's all your fault

you're the best listener, that i've ever met
you're my best friend, best friend with benefits
what took you so long?
i've never felt, this healthy before
i've never wanted, something rational
i am aware now, i am aware now

you've already won me over, in spite of me.

and when i undo myself, i'll be so sorry for it
but you wouldnt know.

being mysterious makes me completely and undeniably miserable.

fasten me by your side please.

to an envious man:

2007-07-15T10:03:45Z

enchante.
an entrance, and i'm the gleaming red
from that exit sign.
neon and luminous, a lead in that hunch of yours,
or in that play,
but how is it then, that i am
nominated for its supporting role?
and i cant be sure, if it is the game,
or its terms to victory, that has lost its objective.
pardon me,
for between what opinions you
leave me with to
dress my data, so subjective,
i've got a hearing that has grown
so increasingly selective.
i tie myself up, coated in what guilt is residual,
from the things i sting you with,
to ensure it's hard as fuck
to undo myself.

my public hiding places.
so open, so crowded, i remain
so goddamn secluded.
vogue shrinks me, as i
skim through her glossed pages,
i am never quite
thin enough.
take cover, take cover.
who i am is too shy for what you're willing to believe.
so i'm tough, i'm good enough
to fit within those aisles.
taking breaks only to examine my hairline
cracks. and every cancerstick
sends me into its exile.
a picketfence, its barbed wire,
and everyone adores
a big
fat
liar.

aquoteinitalics @ 2007-06-22T15:53:00

2007-06-22T07:57:56Z

oh and chrys: let's get deejay schmeejay on the road already. i'm getting restless.

and let's do a band, too.
i realize i wouldnt mind singing/screaming/mumbling/coughing out what i have to say. words work just as well as lyrics, no?

let's do it to it, lovers!

Dani and The Devil's Dandruff. i say that's a swell bandname right there, missy.

Chase just took a crap on gracie's room floor. sexcellent.

aquoteinitalics @ 2007-06-22T15:48:00

2007-06-22T07:53:17Z

i am one lonely kitty cat today.

sigh.

i just added five skinny tally marks to the one he cut me the other night.
i'd like to say i'm healing well. well, i'm not.

now they've stated to burn. cant wait till they begin to bleed.

i need a crash-course in anything.
today i feel impaired. inadequate.
this constant pattern of lack of productivity has finally begun to show itself physically.

tell me who i am, baby i'll tell you who i claim to be.

over and out.

aquoteinitalics @ 2007-06-22T15:15:00

2007-06-22T07:20:32Z

i feel slightly silly, but
my friday has been thoughtlessly spent on youtube.
take a bow, madonna. fucken. gorgeous. video. i've never been a fan of the woman, but fuck that's a good video.
also. disarm, smashing pumpkins. good good shit.
what else what else. oh. undeniably. letting the cables sleep, bush.
and without doubt. otherside, my peppers.

okay i have no purpose here. i am analysing videos for fuck's sake.
for fuck's rice wine. AHAHAHAHAAAA
i am also. cracking myself up.

right on, mel.

aquoteinitalics @ 2007-06-20T23:45:00

2007-06-20T15:47:45Z

"i guess there isnt anything left for me to say, is there?"

thanks dude. way to go for proving anything to me.

what the fuck are you trying to do with me dude. what the fuck.

aquoteinitalics @ 2007-06-20T22:37:00

2007-06-20T14:38:47Z

brian just called to say, "dont do anything i wouldnt do, okay?"

dude. that's more than you've tried to say to me.

but of course. your phone is probably in your bag.
you're skating.